In five days, I will be leaving everything that I know to begin my transition in to an adult life - I will be a college student. Many people will not credit the college student to an adult life, but from this perspective, that is all I can see.
Until this time, I have relied on my parents for everything. I have trusted them to be here for me in big issues as well as miniscule bumps along the way, and while yes they will still be here for me in whatever ways they can be, I am at a point in my life where what I do and do not do rest solely on my shoulders.
If a guy asks me out, or I am invited to a party I am not comfortable
with going to, I am now denied the easy excuse of "my parents said no"
to escape unscathed. Instead, I am going to have to add "a pair of big
girl panties" to my shopping list so I can handle similar issues on my
own and deal with the backlash.
When something bad happens, regardless of how it looks in the grand scheme of things, I will not have my mom down the hall for her words of advice or a hug. Yes, I can call her, but sometimes that is not enough. Yes, I will find friends at college who will become my new circle of support - but I do not have that yet, and to enter in to such a new place without knowing I have a system of support on campus, I am terrified to leave home. At this point, I have a family member who has played a major role in my life that is currently dying of cancer that was not found soon enough for treatment to be effective. There is a great chance that, while I am away, she will pass. Before I leave to move in, I plan to visit her one more time, but I know that may be the last time I see her and I am not ready to say good-bye just yet.
**In retrospect, she did pass while I was away (about a week or two after moving in) and I had the ability to go home for the funeral, but I still wish she was here to take pride in my accomplishments from my first year in college.**
I am expecting myself to struggle - the freedom I am gaining is bitter-sweet and beyond my comprehension on any level. This inability to fathom what a week from today will be like is absolutely terrifying! If I could go back even a year ago and try to explain this feeling to my 17-year-old self, I honestly do not believe I would be able to. People should really be more candid with this aspect of the "growing-up" process - because I feel very unprepared to be a real adult.
