While Eric and I were home for spring break, we had a total of three wedding showers...in one week! By the end of spring break, my head had been so wrapped up in apartment things, wedding things and marriage things...I REALLY did not want to come back to my dorm room at ASU.
I had already been struggling with this need to be perfect, and a lot of the "perfect" ideas I had about life were designed around the apartment we will not be moving in to until mid-June. One of the perfectionist ideas I had developed centered on my quiet time with God. I NEEDED it to be absolutely perfect to be worth doing.
"Perfect" quiet time, to me, looked like this:
- Waking up at least an hour and a half before I need to leave for class or work
- Which would also mean going to be early enough to still get my 7.5 hours of sleep
- Taking my time to fix a light breakfast, complete with the *perfect* cup of tea or coffee
- Laying out my Bible and my current study on a well-organized table or desk, preferably near a source of natural light with potted plants and artsy things surrounding me
- Turning on some soft music to both wake me up and keep me calm
- Settling in to quiet time with no interruptions on the horizon
Let's go back to the fact that I live in a dorm...none of this is even reasonably possible! I have to be up way before my roommate, my desk is always a mess #OnlyFreeSurfaceAvaliable plus I already have to get up for work at 7 a.m. and I know I would *HATE* myself if 6:30 a.m. became me new wake up time! I will say I have tried to read a short Bible study on my phone in the morning when I wake up, however this normally leads to me falling back asleep because it is still 7 a.m...
We can just say...I was in a very negative thought pattern to the point where I told myself that if I couldn't have the perfect Bible study or quiet time, then I was not fit to do it at all.
We can just say...I was in a very negative thought pattern to the point where I told myself that if I couldn't have the perfect Bible study or quiet time, then I was not fit to do it at all.
This all came to a head when Eric and I returned to Boone after spring break. When Eric saw the pain I was in trying to make this aspect of my life so perfect, he decided to take action. I got off work at 5 p.m. the next day and found him waiting on me with supplies to create a quiet time/study binder.
My sweet man had spent his time on Pinterest looking for inspiration to create this binder and had then made a trip to Walmart and purchased everything I would need.
Eric said his goal was to take "perfect" out of the equation, because I would be able to do anything I wanted with the binder. I could change it however I needed to in the future, I could add in pages, remove pages, basically do anything!
He took me to Starbucks and we sat together and designed the whole binder, front to back. He let me take my time, he let me try different things, and he let me create a binder that would make me happy every time I opened it.
It took us almost three hours, but not once did he get frustrated with me.
I have not been perfect with using my binder every day, however it has become a strong symbol to keep me from getting too upset with myself for not being perfect. When I start to feel upset with myself, I either look at my binder or think about the sweetness behind it and it is impossible to hold those hard feelings in my heart.
This binder is a symbol of the compassion Eric had for me, the compassion I often lack for myself. To be angry at myself over my imperfections would be the equivalent of ignoring the beautiful gift he gave me.
As I write this, I am reminded of the gift of Jesus. He came to Earth to suffer as we suffer, to be tempted as we are tempted, and eventually he laid down his life to bear ALL of our sins and gave us the beautiful gift of standing between us and God. Because of Jesus' sacrificial gift, God no longer sees us in our sin and depravity - instead, he looks at us and sees his son.
How often do we forsake this gift? Or even ignore it entirely? With this being Easter weekend, I believe it is very appropriate to reflect on the gift of Jesus Christ, The Way The Truth and The Life, God's Son, Our Savior, Immanuel.
