I always thought that at this point, I would be set - some money in my savings account, a practical plan for tomorrow and maybe even the next year - basically I expected to see the pieces of my life really falling in to place. What I have found, at the wise old age of 20, is that I have been expecting all of the wrong things from my life.
First off, growing up has always meant total independence - at least in my book. I have fought and fought against asking for any kind of help the last couple of years of my life, and when I absolutely had to ask for help I felt nothing but guilt for days as a result. I have tried to convince myself that once I turned 18 I needed to be ready to support myself regardless of what happens.
As I have dug myself deeper and deeper into holes of anxiety and worry about what I am doing with my life and how unprepared I am, the thought has never occurred to me that maybe I am just not looking at life the right way. Just because I think people are not here to help me get through the adult portion of my life does not make it so.
I am in the process of learning to not feel ashamed to look to my parents and family for financial help as I still struggle to find a way to support myself during my summer break from school, and this has provided a great chance for growth in both myself and in my mom. She is learning more about how I see myself and the twisted reality I am trying to force myself into and she is working to help break me from the place I have mentally placed myself.
